December 2017

Power & Control

26. december 2017 at 10:18 | Black Demon |  my soul
During the last months, I began to realize just how much I rely on control. And how much it hurts me to lose it. I am a nervous mess and knowing that there are things that I can´t control, things I cannot change, stresses me out to the point of panic.

I am a control freak whose natural response to losing power and control is breaking down in tears.

All my life, I´ve always tried to be the best and I worked hard but even when I succeeded in something, there has always been this quiet, nagging voice in my head, telling me about all those things I could have done better.

You didn´t do your best, it says. You should have tried a lot harder, you could be stronger, better, you could have been the BEST.

I don´t know where I got this attitude from, but for as long as I can remember, it has always been there. In competitions, I have never been content with second place. And even when I was the first, I still couldn´t think of anything else but of how I don´t deserve it, because I could have done better.

And so it´s no surprise that when I suddenly stand in front of something that is much bigger than me, something that is completely beyond my control, something over which I have no power, and no matter how hard I try, I can´t make it, the only reasonable solution I see is giving up - because trying still would be illogical, a waste of time and resources when I know that it would bring no fruits.

But giving up is still a failure because I know that if I wouldn´t give up, the failure would follow soon after. The failure would be inevitable.

Failure means that I am not good enough, not strong enough and no matter how much I try, I will never be, I will never be the best and I know it.

But I gave up and that means that I failed and my whole life, ordered and organized, with a clear path and a goal at its end just blew up into my face.
I´ve lost control.

And once you lost control, it is not easy to regain it. It is not easy to get a hold of the reins again. You have to rebuild it all over again.

But I am going to do it. I have time, after all. I have nine months. In September, there will be not a tiny crack on my pristine exterior.
I will be good as new. I will be even better.
I will pinpoint my weaknesses and get rid of them. I will improve what can be better, eliminate things that don´t work and let go of habits that ae holding me back.

I will be better. This time, I will do my best. Just you watch.

A long way

24. december 2017 at 10:30 | Black Demon |  my soul
Dear Friend (or just someone. I don´t really care, not anymore. You don´t know me, anyway, and there is no reason for you to be my friend).

It´s been a long way.
I walked a lonely road and I am growing tired. The line between two points stretches on forever but I have come too far to return now - the only thing I can do now is to carry on. Alone. With my head raised high. With heart of iron. Just as I always do.
But the light of the day is growing scarce and the night is coming. Night and winter. I have to brace myself. I have to stand tall if I want to survive and welcome daylight and the warm summer sun again.
I do not doubt that I will make it.
No matter what happens. I am strong. I have always been. I will not allow anything to knock me down. I will always fight till the last breath.

I used to be weak, back then. Dreaming about taking a shortcut. The easy way out. But pain, pain has made me strong and bitter and now, now I feel like a giant. I know that I can survive.
The worst thing that can happen is death and it is not to be feared because sooner or later, everyone is going to die. It is the natural order of things, after all.

I try not to feel because it is easier that way. I wear a mask in front of the world and I wear a mask when I am alone, too. I will probably never know my true face. But then again, who does?
Those who say they do are liars, or that´s what I think. Because a human being is just too complicated for one to understand in a single lifetime.

Sometimes, I believe in reincarnations. Because it calms me down. Because the possibility of another life after death is better than coming to terms with the fact that there is nothing at all.

I have come a long way, in the last few months. I grew. I changed. I am not the same person I merely three months ago. I am stronger now.
I can do things my past self, that thin and weak little thing, could not even start.
I no longer allow people to hurt me. My skin is thick and impenetrable.

I will continue to walk my lonely road.