Power & Control

26. december 2017 at 10:18 | Black Demon |  my soul
During the last months, I began to realize just how much I rely on control. And how much it hurts me to lose it. I am a nervous mess and knowing that there are things that I can´t control, things I cannot change, stresses me out to the point of panic.

I am a control freak whose natural response to losing power and control is breaking down in tears.

All my life, I´ve always tried to be the best and I worked hard but even when I succeeded in something, there has always been this quiet, nagging voice in my head, telling me about all those things I could have done better.

You didn´t do your best, it says. You should have tried a lot harder, you could be stronger, better, you could have been the BEST.

I don´t know where I got this attitude from, but for as long as I can remember, it has always been there. In competitions, I have never been content with second place. And even when I was the first, I still couldn´t think of anything else but of how I don´t deserve it, because I could have done better.

And so it´s no surprise that when I suddenly stand in front of something that is much bigger than me, something that is completely beyond my control, something over which I have no power, and no matter how hard I try, I can´t make it, the only reasonable solution I see is giving up - because trying still would be illogical, a waste of time and resources when I know that it would bring no fruits.

But giving up is still a failure because I know that if I wouldn´t give up, the failure would follow soon after. The failure would be inevitable.

Failure means that I am not good enough, not strong enough and no matter how much I try, I will never be, I will never be the best and I know it.

But I gave up and that means that I failed and my whole life, ordered and organized, with a clear path and a goal at its end just blew up into my face.
I´ve lost control.

And once you lost control, it is not easy to regain it. It is not easy to get a hold of the reins again. You have to rebuild it all over again.

But I am going to do it. I have time, after all. I have nine months. In September, there will be not a tiny crack on my pristine exterior.
I will be good as new. I will be even better.
I will pinpoint my weaknesses and get rid of them. I will improve what can be better, eliminate things that don´t work and let go of habits that ae holding me back.

I will be better. This time, I will do my best. Just you watch.

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1 Shadow Shadow | Web | 29. december 2017 at 22:51 | React


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